A New Song to Sing
by paper-fl0wers
Summary: AU to "Swan Song". Why Jess got a black eye and was late to dinner. literati, Jess/Luke centric. RR.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey there. I love _Gilmore Girls._ So why not write a story about it? I'm not sure how long this will be. It'll be a minimum of 5 chapters be I do hope it will turn out longer. This story is, obviously, about Jess. It'll get kind of dark soon. Most Jess stories are either literati or Jess/Luke centric. I'm going to tackle both. See how I can make everyone happy?**

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 1

_Jess' POV_

I still can't figure it out. I don't know how one town could be so damn..._happy._ Everything is just so hunky dory. This town is out of a storybook. All I had to do was open my mouth a few times and commt a little petty theft and this sugar coated town stumbled into chaos. I find the whole thing quite amusing. Now the whole town finds the site of me horrific. I'm their fatal flaw. In my defense, if I'd even _tried _to gain their approval, the efforts would've been futile. I mean, just by looking at me people like Taylor shake their heads in disapproval and deem me 'no good'. Ad if I really cared.

It's Thursday afternoon. I'm sitting in math class. The teacher is lecturing on whatever while I scrawl my favorite literature quotes onto my desk. The teacher has given up on my anyway. _Everyone _Stars Hollow High has.

Tomorrow I have to go meet Rory's grandmother for dinner. I'm determined to make a good first impression. That didn't exactly work when I cleaned Lorelai's gutters so it's already strike one for me. The odds are against me. If Lorelai, one of three people in town who actually gave me a chance, doesn't like me how will her grandmother? I'm the jerk who is harming their perfect little granddaughter. If only Rory hadn't talked me into it, but who could turn down someone as pure as her? I can't let Rory down now that I've made my mind. I just can't. Dean was the perfect first boyfriend. I don't want to be the sophomore slump.

The bell rang, signaling the end of today's prison sentence, but I still have to work in the diner tonight. I don't bother to stop at my locker. The only book I carry is the one I read on my own. On my way out of school I always stop to look at the showcase near the gym, where Luke's picture rests. I find it strange and amusing whenever I see Luke in this picture. Luke is an interesting person. He tries so hard to connect with me and I keep knocking him down. It's become like a game for me now. The man is too much fun to pester.

Students are shuffling out of the building now. I know they shift their gaze to me and proceed to either glare or whisper to a friend. I ignore it.

There's something about Luke though, other than the neon sign blinking over his head that reads _irritable_. There's something that makes me, I don't know, _not_ hate him. That's the best I can give you. I know it's only a matter of time before I cross the line and Luke will hate me, but I don't know how to act any other way. When I first moved here I waas dead set on making Luke's life as miserable as possible. I just didn't know he'd fight so hard for me.

I don't have detention today so I start walking home. I walk pass Dean and can see the raw hatred in his eyes. _Get over it._ I think to myself. Dean isn't the only one who has mastered the art of glaring at me. Brad Anderson enjoys this as well. Ever since I had that fight with Chuck Presby he's hated me since they're friends. If you don't believe in stereotypes you would after meeting Brad. Three words: Big. Stupid. Jock. I lit up a cigarette for the walk home. I wonder around a little since I'm so close to the school and I want to finish smoking it.

I'm at the diner by three fifteen. Luke's wiping down the counter. He looks up at me, his traditional plaid shirt and backwards cap is a familiar sight.

"Hey," he says in another attempt at having a civilized conversation with me.

I grumble a barely audible greeting in return.

"How was your day?" Luke stopped asking 'how was school?' after he collected a laundry list of sarcastic responses.

"Just dandy," I say. We hardly speak for the remainder of the afternoon.

Around four the Gilmore Girls stop by. Lorelai and Luke begin their usual banter while Rory walks over to the counter. She leans over it and I greet her with a kiss. She's wearing her Chilton uniform.

"Coffee?" I offer.

"Yes, please." Her face is flushed from the chilly weather outside. "So tomorrow try to get there ten mintues early."

"Get where?" I pour her coffee.

She looks at me nervously. "To my grandmother's, Jess."

"Of course. Will do."

She realizes I knew what she was talking about all along and smirks. "How's _The Fountainhead_?"

This is my third attempt at reading it based on Rory's request. I'll finish the stupid book one of these days. "How was your last root canal?"

"Never had one," she replies. Of course Miss Perfect's never had one.

"Jess," Rory began, "You know I've always liked you just the way you are, right?" She stares at me seriously.

"Uh oh, serious talk," I tease.

_"Right?"_

I sigh. "I'm aware of the fact." A man comes over to pay.

"Well, I'm not saying you shouldn't be yourself. All I'm saying is-"

"Be your typical Edward Cullen?" I interupt as I hand the man his change.

She furrows her brow to express she dislikes the reference as much as I do. "No. _Be careful _though," she pleads. "My gandmother is very...protective fo me."

_Of course I'll try. I love you. _That's what I wanted to say, but when I'm uncomfortable I resort to a flippant remarck. "How'd she like _Dean?_" I retort.

She stares at me tiredly. _I know. I'm an idiot. _"Well," she begins calmly, "If you _must _know he wasn't all that popular among my grandparents. Anything else you need to know about my ex-boyfriend? You want me to write out a book?"

I bite my lip to hide a chuckle. She keeps her irritated face. Watching Rory be angry is like watching a turtle stuck on its shell. You want to laugh at her attempts but you also feel kind of bad. She's too soft to ever stay angry. Her doe-like blue eyes are a dead giveaway.

I stare at her apologetically. "I'll do the best I can. I promise," I say honestly.

She gives me a half-smile. "Thank you. Are you prepared for tomorrow?"

"Oh sure. I watched_ My Big Fat Greek Wedding _for some pointers."

"And listened to _Sick Puppies'_ _Asshole Father_?" she adds laughing.

"Nope, I watched _Everybody Loves Raymond_."

"Oh, I almost forgot." Rory hands me a CD. _They Only Come Out at Night_ by _The Edgar Winter Group. _

"I've been looking for this for weeks. I thought I lost it."

"Next time don't forget you loaned it to me."

""Next time don't forget to return it!"

"You know what I haven't listened to in forever?"

"No, you what I haven't listened to in forever? _The Edg-_"

_"Tommy," _she says simply.

_"Tommy?"_

She takes a sip of her coffee and nods. "Do you own it?"

"Only if you don't need to borrow it."

"Jess!" she snaps but not maliciously.

"Fine. Only because you asked me nicely." I run upstairs, sort through my junk until I find my favorite album by _The Who, _and then run back down the stairs. The evident excitment oshe has over this is too much for me. I laugh. I envy the innocence she posseses that I left behind a long time ago.

"So I'll see you tomorrow night?"

"If not me someone who looks a hell of a lot like me with ten bucks in his pocket."

Rory smiles and exits the diner with Lorelai. I watch the duo leave as I ponder the truth I cannot eschew from. _There's no way this will turn out the way she wants it to._

**A/N: Ok that's mostly just an introduction. Next chapter the story will really pick up. Please leave a review and tell me what you think so far. **

**Also if you're a youtube fan check out my account. I recently made two music videos. One is about Rory and Lorelai and the other Rory and Jess. I'm also planning a new one with Rory, Dean, and Jess. If you have an account leave a comment! I love to hear feedback. **

.com/watch?v=vW2tSNxeNfA

Jess and Rory-Free Fallin'

.com/watch?v=OAbScFhxFuE

Rory and Lorelai-The Best Day


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I put the hyperlinks to my youtube videos but for some reason the beginning of the hyperlink doesn't show up. I didn't bother to edit it because I figured most of you can fill in www. and youtube. :)**

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 2

_Jess' POV_

"Young man, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to return this."

"That would be the third time," I say through gritted teeth.

"Well, if the order was correct the first time this wouldn't be a problem."

I take the woman's plate and storm back to the counter. Luke scratches his head in confusion. "What's wrong with it now?"

"I don't even know," I say carelessly and leave to take more orders. It's never been this crowded on a Thursday night. A crowd of teenagers stand in the middle of the diner, rudely blocking the way. The place is small to begin with. I push through them.

"Hey, Busboy! What do you think you're doing?" snaps Brad. I hadn't realized it was him.

_Great._

"This is a diner not a dance floor. Quit crowding around," I retort.

"Get a life."

"Either order or get the hell out of here," I snap.

"I'm sure people would prefer you leave instead. Did your parents hate you so much that they sent you to live here and make Stars Hollow suffer?"

_Parent._ "I don't know. Do your parents hate the world so much that they gave birth to you to make everyone else suffer?"

Brad glares, but has nothing left to say. He leaves the diner and his friends follow. I raise my eyebrows, amused. It's funny that guys like him always have a parade of people to follow them. No individuality whatsoever, but you appear bigger in numbers.

I got off early in the diner, but ended up having to help Luke close up anyway. I try to get out of that as often as I can. I don't always do though. The one time that sticks out for me is when I volunteered to after Luke allowed me to come back and live here. I was good at appearing indifferent at the time, but I'd never been so nervous before in my life as I waited for his decision that would make or break me. That and winning Rory's favor were the only two times I could ever remember things going my way.

I'm doing everything other than reading _The Fountainhead._ I'm reading _The Holy Barbarians_, my under qualified award for going to dinner tomorrow, when Luke enters with the phone. Although we finished closing the diner, Luke stays down the stairs. He counts the money we made for the day and stays down there on days he doesn't feel like arguing when I'm playing music too loudly.

I look at Luke wearily. It's got to be either Rory or...

"Jess, your mom's on the phone."

I sigh dramatically and rest my book on my lap. Then I fix Luke with a recognizable glare. "Recollect what I said to you when I first moved here and Liz called? Recall what I say to you everytime Liz calls?"

"Pass," Luke mumbles tiredly to himself.

"Is that your final answer for five hundred dollars?"

"Jess, why must you make every little, insignificant, situation in life so difficult?"

"Well, you know what they say, Uncle Luke, 'boys will be boys'," I sneer.

Luke apparently isn't in the mood for this tonight. He tosses the phone onto my lap and leaves.

I stare at the phone bitterly. _Liz. _As if I'm not already in a bad mood tonight as it is. "Hello?" I answer.

"Jess! _Baby, _how are you?" Liz calls maybe once every four months, and when she does she's in an excessively obnoxious mood. Once last year she called after Christmas completely smashed. Both Luke and I are aware of Liz's ongoing issue with alcohol and we were so embarrassed we didn't dare talk about it to each other.

"Peachy," I grumble.

"Great. I'm well off too if I do say so myself," she adds with a chuckle.

"Great." Liz is only happy when she's with someone, and if you can read between the lines that says that I was never good enough for her. Cue the boyfriend introduction.

"Things are going pretty well for me."

_Five, four, three, two, one._

"I'm seeing someone I just know you would love. Want to hear about him?"

_Hear about a drunken low life? Do I ever! _"Not really."

Liz proceeds to ignore me. Shocker. "His name's Gabe and he has a nice little setup near Washington Square Park where he sells bootlegs. You remember Washington Square Park, honey? You used to read there all the time."

_No, it's been so long I forgot. _

"Now I know it's not the most honorable job but it's a job nonetheless!"

_Let's retrace our steps here. When was the last time you were with a guy who ran a stand? Oh, I remember now! My father, and what did he do? Duck out of his responsibilities and take his business elsewhere? Yeah, that was it. I've never seen the man in my life. And now this new guy has a stand. Well, he _must_ be good. Chalk one up for Liz! You've found your prince charming this time. _

"Sounds like a real hero," I say dryly.

"Maybe, but no one is a greater hero than my brother, baby. He's done everything for me.

_Loan you money you won't ever reciprocate. Take your useless son off your hands. _"He's a regular Bruce Wayne."

"Even better than that. I hate to cut this conversation so short but I actually have to go now. Take care. I love you, Jess."

By the way she said it I know she wants me to return the 'I love you'. "Bye, Liz," I say and angrily hang up the phone.

I haven't said those three words to anyone in years without meaning it. I'm still trying to say it to Rory. I've said it numerous times to those sluts in New York I'd screw around with but I didn't give a crap about them. I would only spend the night with them to get out of my unstable home and get rid of the overwhelming loneliness I'd feel. They're probably all pregnant by now. Most of them didn't even want to use protection. I don't know how I got away with that. They must have been on birth control or something.

I close my book, having read it for the past two hours, and take a seat infront of the television. There's never anything on but I decide to take my chances. Testing Luke's patience, I turn the volume all the way up.

I flip through channels. Shows like _The Golden Girls_ and _Full House _confirm my prediction that nothing is on. I skim through a little longer and find_ Green Acres _starting. The theme song burts through the apartment.

_Green Acres is the place to be. _

I smirk as I hear Luke trample up the stairs. The door swings open and Luke shuts the T.V.

"Hey!" I snap, turning it back on. I look at his face and can tell an incessant lecture is about to begin. I brace myself.

Luke lowers the volume and says, "Listen you, there are _two _people, repeat _two_ people, living in this apartment. That means _you _live here in this apartment and that's one." Luke holds up a finger. "And _I _live here. That's two. Which means if you turn the volume on the T.V. _all the way up_ so that I can't hear myself think you are being inconsiderate. So I'm going to give you no more than five seconds to turn off the damn T.V.!"

I stare at him and can see he is really counting down in his head. I decide on the only way I know how to end a problem I can't fix. I turn the T.V. off, place the remote on the side table, and get up to leave the apartment. I can see the obvious discouragement and regret in his eyes. I grab my coat on the way out.

"Come on, Jess," I hear him sigh to himself on my way out of the diner.

It's still chilly out so I zipper up my coat and, after lighting up, shove my free hand into my pocket. I have no real destination, I just need to take a walk. The town is practically empty. It's fucking ten in the evening and everyone in Stars Hollow is in for the night.

I walk by Doose's Market and immediately think of Dean. I turn the corner and see Brad and his dumb friends with cans of beer. I don't want to deal with them tonight so I sharply turn around again. I'm too late though. One of them grabs the back of my jacket and drunkenly yells, "Hey, where you runnin' to?"

It's Thursday night and they're drunk. These guys are seriously fucked up. I whirl around and recognize all four of them: Brad, Keith, Ryan, and Rick. Brad and Rick are on the football team. The other two are just a waste of space. I shudder involuntarily. Liz had a boyfriend named Rick once...

"It's Mariano," Keith slurs. I inhale and cringe at the smell of alcohol. The scent is notorious to me. "Where are you heading to, Mariano?" Keith asks.

I try and look nonchalant. I stub out my cigarette, half smoked, and nervously shove my hands into my pockets. "Nowhere," I state and start to leave.

"Hold it!" slurs Brad, pushing me. I stumble backward and the four of them surround me.

"Great. Now I'm living in an S.E. Hinton novel," I mutter under my breath. I try and look calm, but I'm starting to tremble from my lips to my legs. The temperature outside appears to have dropped ten degrees and my hands are clammy. I fix them all a glare.

I have to think fast, but it's hard to with my heart pounding the way it is. "I'm not going to fight you guys."

They all burst out in drunken laughter. "As if you have a choice," Brad barks.

My only defense normally is that most people are too soft to throw punches and seriously injure another. I'm not like that. I've gotten into so many fights where I've had to defend myself back in N.Y. Liz always used to bring home men even bigger than Brad who would come down on me pretty hard when they were drunk or high or just filled with animosity. That's something I don't dare tell anyone, not even Rory or Luke. Once I started fighting guys who weren't as hostile as Liz's boyfriends it was easy because they were too nice to really try and hurt people. Dean may be twice my size but he's not a fighter. I could probably fight him. I don't think I could've taken down one of these guys and now I have to fight off four of them. They're all twice my size.

This is it. I'm about to go down unless I act now. I make an attempt to run for it but they've got me pinned down in a second. My head hits the concrete so hard I think I've just suffered a concussion. Brain is holding down my hands. Keith has one knee pressed on either one of my legs and Rick and Brad take turns kicking my torso. I begin to grow fearful. My vision blurs...

_...An old apartment surrounds me. I seldom can call it 'home'. The furniture in here is worn out; the wallpaper peeling. There are empty and broken glass bottles scattered about. I suddenly realize I am in searing pain. My shirt is soaked in blood..._

I blink several times and I'm back in Stars Hollow. My thoughts are shifting too fast to grasp any of them.

_Make him stop, Liz. _

I shake my head and try to focus on the here and now. _Try and break free. _

I start to squirm like a worm on hook, a mortifying comparison. I writhe and struggle but the two holding me down won't budge. "Real tough," I say painfully, "Four against one." They either didn't hear me or ignored me.

My head continues to throb...

_Liz, stop him from hurting me._

_I've got break free. I need to work up with a way to defend myself against them. _

_Liz, why are you just standing there?_

_I'm back in the apartment. Liz is stretched out on the couch, her eyes glazed over. My hair is being pulled on and the roots are strained. I'm being lifted by my hair onto my feet. A large, grimy man is screaming in my face. I'm so weak I can't make out what he is saying..._

The flashbacks are making me panic now. This isn't happening. It's not supposed to. I'm done with this. The humiliation, the fear. I left this behind almost two years ago. I left this part of me that had followed me for ten years behind once I moved here. That's part of a different person, a different life. And, shit, stuff like this just doesn't happen in Stars Hollow.

I don't realize it until I feel my throat grow hoarse, but I'm screaming now. I'm screaming and struggling more than ever.

"Shut up!" roars Brad, and he slugs me in the jaw. I can taste blood in my mouth now.

_I fall to the floor, worn out beyond comprehension. He's not through with me yet. _

I originally was focusing on adjusting my body in ways to make the blows less painful. Now I feel tears backing up in my eyes so I forget about defense and work as hard as I can to hold back the tears. I'm scared and in so much pain now. I hardly ever cry though. I trained myself not to. It's a sign of weakness, defeat. I inhale deeply and repeat the mantra _don't cry _over and over in my head.

I am still shouting though. Damn it I wish I'd stop shouting. Brad tries to hit my jaw but this time I turn my head to the side. Instead he hits me right in the eye. I blink rapidly and involuntarily. My eye throbs and I'm disgusted to find that fluid is secreting from it. I can see different colors now. I'm now sure I'm going to die soon. If not here, then I will commit suicide to avoid the humiliation of everyone finding out what's happening.

They're done though. Just when I think it can't get worse, they all look at each other and stand up. I roll over onto my side and curl my body into a fetal position. My stomach is churning now. My eye and head continue to throb and I am still holding back my tears. One of them kicks me in the gut one last time, but I can't see who. I clench my jaw, and successfully avoid crying out in pain. Finally, mercifully, I hear them pile into a car and drive off.

I groan in agonizing pain once they're gone. _Everything _hurts. Every part of my body hurts so fucking badly. I make several attempts to get to my feet and I finally do. I can't see out of one eye. My legs quiver as I struggle to stay standing. I keep telling myself not to cry though. It doesn't matter that I'm alone. I can't cry.

I yearn for someone. I'm so lonely all of a sudden. I want a comforting face: Rory, Luke, even Lorelai would suffice at this moment. I know she hates me but, unlike Liz, she has that "motherly instinct". I brush my mind of that pathtic thought. I'd die if any of them saw me like this. I'm better off by myself...I'm always better off alone.

I'm shivering uncontrollably and my stomach is still churning. The thought of my past repeating itself is actually making me sick. The shock is unbearable. I can't take it anymore. I run over to a nearby trash can, double over, and begin to retch until I dry heave.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This author note is painfully long. Sorry. First things first the POV of this chapter has changed. I also changed from present tense to past because I originally wrote this third person POV in the present tense and it sounded weird to me. I'm not sure if there's a proper rule for this so I'm just doing it my way. I'd like to do some review responses before the chapter starts. **

**Squee-bunny**: **Thanks _so_ much! I was determined to make Jess just seem like his genuine self, even if it is much darker than the show. Don't worry about the father/son sentimentality. I don't want to spoil anything so I won't say anymore. I just want to make sure Jess doesn't depend on Luke so much that Rory seems like a trivial character. This story takes place in Season 3 so now Jess really cares for Rory. In Season 2 it's easier to make Jess depend on Luke more often. Don't worry though. I happen to like Jess/Luke stories better than literati. ;)**

**Polly: Who doesn't want to hug Jess?! And thanks! Right away I knew this story would be mostly first person because it's easier to get inside of Jess' head considering he doesn't open up often. I wanted to make sure the readers understood what Jess was thinking at all times. **

**Thanks to everyone else who reviewed. I would reply to you all but that would make this note longer than the story and it's too long now.**

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 3

_Third Person _

Luke paced back and forth across the apartment. He constantly made runs up and down the stairs to see if Jess was entering the diner. Maybe he'll be stubbing out a cigarette on his way inside. No luck though. It's not like this is the first time Jess had taken off with no hint of what time he'd be home and no phone of course. _We need to have a talk when he gets home. _Luke thought grimly. Then he sighed. When has Jess ever listened to a word Luke has said?

Luke ran a hand through his hair nervously. Jess was keeping him up when he had work the next morning. Luke pondered a thought he'd worried over since the day Jess moved in. _Does he hate me? _It seemed like a tenable idea. The kid hated just about everything else there was to hate, so what made Luke any different?

He could remember when Jess was a child. It was easy to be liked by Jess then. All Luke had to do was let Jess visit over the summer and send the yearly birthday gifts to New York. His nephew seemed to have a sense of hero worship toward Luke then, and Luke felt a strong attachment to his nephew.

Something had changed in Jess. He grew up, sure, but something had hardened him over the years. It shocked Luke and made him want to throw something. There was no denying Jess was different though. As a child personality traits he possesed now were evident. Jess had always been the reserved type, quiet, independent, and self-sufficient. Luke could vivdly remember six-year-old Jess sitting on the couch in Luke's apartment with his nose buried in a book. He could remember Jess' sarcastic ways, even at a young age. But Luke never remembered him being this agressive or angry. Luke knew he was a teenager, but there was still something off.

There was a rough, impatient, knock on the door. Luke nearly jumped. Jess must've forgotten his key. He went down the stairs, eager to unlock the door for his nephew. He was immensly disappointed when he saw Lorelai and Rory. The two Gilmores never seemed to satisfy their appetites.

"We're closed," Luke declared.

"Luke, if you don't open this door now I'm going to sing and you don't want to put Rory through that kind of emotional shock!" Lorelai replied.

"Please don't, Luke. I have big plans for my future!" Rory added.

"It's late. What could you possibly need to eat this late?" Luke asked.

"Pancakes!" Lorelai exclaimed.

"Burger!" Rory said.

"Pancakes and burgers? That's disgusting."

"No, _I _want pancakes and _she _wants burgers! Learn to keep up with us, Luke!" Lorelai said, pointing to her and her daughter accordingly.

"I gave up trying years ago. You two are shameless you know that? Is this diner really your only source for food?"

"Oh, don't think of it that way," Lorelai said. "Think of yourself as our own personal Oprah Winfrey."

Luke sighed and unlocked the door. Lorelai and Rory rushed to sit down and place their orders. Rory ordered a burger and fries and Lorelai ordered pancakes and a muffin.

"What kind of muffin do you want?" Luke asked Lorelai.

"Hmm, what kind of muffin?" Lorelai said thoughtfully.

"Take your time. This is a very important decision."

"I can't decide. I'll just take one of every kind."

"You mean you want one of every kind of muffin on the menu?"

"Wow you sure cracked that code, Robert Langdon."

Luke just stared at her, baffled.

"It's a monopoly strategy," Rory explained as if it was the most logical thing she'd ever heard. "Buy everything you can. Just because you don't want St. Charles Place doesn't mean you don't buy it."

Rory looked toward the stairs that led to the apartment, wondering if Jess was still awake. She was concerned for tomorrow, but knew that the best way to handle this was to show Jess she had faith in him. Rory did believe in him. There was just the growing worry inside her. Her grandmother wasn't quite so easy to get along with and Jess was the same way.

"Blueberry! I want a blueberry muffin," Lorelai suddenly exclaimed and rushed toward the counter. "Luke, come here."

Luke came out from the kitchen. "What is it?"

"I want a blueberry muffin." Luke looked over to Rory curiously. Lorelai looked to where Luke's gaze was, and then back to him. "That's Rory, Luke," she explained.

"I know. Do you think she has...an idea where Jess might be?"

"You don't know where he is?"

"He took off about an hour and a half ago and I have no idea where he's been. He didn't tell me where he was going or what time he'd be home. He doesn't have a phone. What the hell do I do, Lorelai?"

"Well, there's no need to panic yet. This is Stars Hollow we're talking about."

"This is Jess we're talking about."

"Did he leave the house armed? If he didn't then I'm sure he can't do much more than a practical joke or a petty theft."

"You know what? Forget it. I'm sure he's fine. I'm probably just being stupid."

"No, you're not." Luke poured Lorelai coffee. She grinned enthusiastically. "How'd you know that was next?"

Luke returned the smile. "I know you."

.......................................................................................................................

_Jess' POV_

The fog is just starting to clear in my head. I'm able to think a little more easily now. Which is good, except I still have no idea what to do now.

The convulsions have stopped. I vomited until I had nothing left in me and then convulsed until my brain realized I was done. I can't stop trembling though and every part of my body still hurts, especially my head and my eye. I want to go home and crawl into bed. Luke is going to want to know where I was and what the hell happened to me. He annoys the crap out of me with this stuff. The last thing I want to do is have to tell him what happened. I want this story to be buried in the back of my mind and never appear again. Besides if Luke did find out he might want to do something about it. _Nothing _is to be done about this.

I feel myself wanting to cry again. I'm angry though. I want to scream and kick and cry. I still can't believe this happened to me. I think the fact that this feels more like a flash from my former life is what I find most frusturating. I light up a cigarette and start walking home.

I try and work out a plan as to what to tell people once they see my eye. There's no way I'm going to school tomorrow. I'll just tell Luke I feel sick which isn't completely a lie. What do I tell Rory? I think but not a single believable lie comes to mind. I stub out my cigarette and light up a new one. I've got a new pack when I need it most.

I arrive at the diner. It's late now. The lights in the diner are on. I raise an eyebrow. We closed before I left. I see Luke come out from the kitchen and make sure I'm out of view from the glass door. I peek again and see Luke go back into the kitchen.

I could quietly creep inside and tiptoe upstairs, but the annoying bell will give me away. I decide on Plan B and run into the diner.

"Jess?" I hear Luke call from the kitchen. I ignore him and race upstairs as fast as I can. I hear him come upstairs after me. He's taking his time though. I run into the bathroom and slam the door shut.

"Jess, where've you been?"

I slide the lock into place.

"Jess, are you ok?" Luke knocks gently on the bathroom door.

I actually have a motive for coming into the bathroom. I desperately need a shower. I turn on the water.

"I'm fine, Luke." _Go away. Go away._

"Where've you been?"

"Nowhere."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"What happened?"

"Do you recognize a pattern here, Luke?"

"It's late. Are you going to bed soon?" _Why do you care? Damn it!_

"For Christ's sake, _yes. _I'm taking a shower and then going to bed. Now can you leave me alone?"

He says nothing but I hear him walk away. Relieved, I take off my coat and hang it. I'm terrified to look in the mirror, but at the same time immensly curious. I grip the either side of the sink with my hands, bracing myself, and look at my face in the mirror.

The person staring back at me is familiar. I just haven't seen him in a while. He's tired, beaten, and messy. His hair is tossled and ungeled; his eyes dark and gaunt. One eye is black and swollen. His shirt is dirty and bloody with holes in it.

I bite my lip. This is not good. I take off my shirt and throw it on the floor. There are fresh bruises scattered about old ones I've been carrying with me for a while. Other than a bruise on my arm, there are no visible wounds my clothes won't hide. It's just this damn black eye that's going to be more than enough evidence for everyone.

I hop into the shower. The hot water feels good as it runs down my back. I close my eyes and try not think about all that's happened tonight. It's all I can think of though.

Luke is already asleep. I change into my sleep attire, which is usually just a band shirt and sweat pants. I finally crash onto my bed and wrestle under the blankets. I feel warm, safe. It's the best I've felt all night. I want to turn on the stereo but I know I absolutely cannot wake Luke up. It's ok though. For once I'm positive I can sleep without the music.

Sometimes I wish I could open up to Luke more. When I think about what's happened to me in the past I realize Luke is the only one I could ever tell any of it to. If for once in my life I could be less insecure for a day I would use the opportunity to sit down and let the secrets packed inside my mind out. I could see myself telling Luke everything, and he would just listen carefully and nod in all the right places.

His face wouldn't show many emotions, but that's what I need. I need someone who would remain stoic through the entire thing. On the inside he'd be furious, but I don't need to see that. If I told someone like Rory, she might end up crying and I'd die if I witnessed that. It's hard enough to see Rory cry, but to see her cry over me? That'd be the worst. Luke wouldn't cry or yell. He would just sit and listen. That's more than enough for me, but I'll never be able to say any of it. I move on to happier thoughts.

I close my eyes. They've felt so heavy all night. My head reminds me it's hurting and I feel it throb. It doesn't hurt as much now though. I think of Rory and I'm relaxed. Her smile, her laugh. It's all very soothing. I want so badly to hold her in my arms right now. She makes everything better. Just seeing her is a comforting vision. When I'm with her it's all I need to be happy and when she's gone it's all I can think about. It scares me a little. I don't think I've ever really loved a girl up until now, but she's just so beautiful. She's beautiful in every way a girl can be. Innerly, outerly, whatever. She's the whole package. I drift to sleep thinking of her.

_I can only see out of one eye. I see streaks of different colors floating in a black background. Rory and her grandmother come into view. I've never met her grandmother before so she's just a black figure. Somehow I know it's her. Rory walks toward me, she looks upset. She wants me to help her. I don't know why. What do I do? _

_I walk away from her. She's watching me. I see that disappointment is etched onto her face as I leave. That's what I do when things go wrong. That's what I did to start the entire mess I've put myself through. When I don't know how to solve a problem that's what I do._

I walk away.

**A/N: Ok I'll try and update on a weekly basis from now on. Share your thoughts :).**


	4. Chapter 4

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 4

_Jess' POV_

I wake up sore. My muscles ache and every move I make causes me to wince. Luke is already up and starting the day. I look at the clock. It's a quarter to seven. I usually wake up around this time. I only wake up this early because I like to work in the diner a little for some extra money before I go to school. I turn over and doze off for a little longer.

About fifteen mintues later I'm awake again. I crawl out of bed; I have to loosen my stiff muscles. Luke is already downstairs, preparing the diner. I go into the kitchen area of Luke's apartment, rubbing the sleep out of my tired eyes. The wounded one, I can feel, is still swollen and itchy now.

There's a plate on the table with pancakes and a glass of orange juice. I smile faintly. Whenever I sleep I sleep in Luke always makes sure to make extra to leave for me. I'm still too disgusted from last night to eat anything though.

I go back to bed, wrapping the sheets around my body to shield myself from the world for a little longer.

"Jess, wake up. You have to get ready for school," Luke says, gently nudging my shoulder. I try to fall back asleep. Giving in eventually, I blink a few times to adjust to the light. Then I remember my eye.

I duck under my covers, hastily trying to hide my eye.

"Jess, wake up."

I groan in repsonse.

"Jess!"

"I don't feel good, Luke," I mutter, still under the covers.

"What's wrong?" He tries to lift the covers off me. I hold them in place.

"I feel sick." I can't keep this up much longer. I turn to lay on my side, bury my black eye into my pillow, and remove the blankets from above me. He can only see my profile.

Luke looks shocked. "You look awful."

"Thank you."

"What hurts?"

"...My head. I have a headache. Can I stay home from school?"

Luke's mind is still catching up from the surprise of seeing how off I look. "Today?"

"I was thinking next month, but today works too."

Luke analyzes my face and I see he's putting two and two together. "What happened last night?"

"Guess I stayed out too late in the cold weather."

He nods, knowing the lie isn't plausible but also aware that I'll never talk. "Well, get some sleep and uh-feel better," he says awkwardly. "I've got breakfast on the table if you get hungry."

"Thanks," I murmer. The thought tightens my stomach though. I'm hungry, but still too sick to eat. I wouldn't be surprised if I vomited right now on an empty stomach.

"Do me a favor for once and don't blast the music," he says calmly, but the tension in that sentence is buried in there somewhere.

When he leaves I sigh and turn to lay on my back. I've got to think of a good anecdote about my eye to tell Rory, but at the same time I just want to keep sleeping the day away. I'm still a little shocked over the whole thing and my body is craving rest. If I fall asleep in the right position, Luke might see my eye and I won't be able to cover it. I pick up my book from last night and settle on reading that.

I read the entire morning. It's easy for me to get lost in a good book. By noon I'm starving and in desperate need of a cigarette. I contemplate smoking here in the apartment and then decide against it. I need to attract as little attention as possible, at least until I come up with a cover story. But part of me is still too foggy to think of one and the another part of me doesn't want to think of anything that has to do with last night.

I dump my breakfast into the trash can and place the dish in the sink. Luke would nag me to eat it. I wonder if he is nosy enough to check the trash can. I brush the thought aside and head downstairs. Luke sees me but I whip by him before he can say anything. The diner is crowded so I know I'll get away with it.

I take a seat inside my car and light a cigarette. Taking a drag, I sigh with relief. A tap on the window startles me. I roll down the window.

"What the hell do you want, Luke?"

"You're Petey the dog!" he exclaims right away. Busted.

"We're not getting into this now."

"That's what you think. Out of the car," he says with a jerk of his thumb.

"Excuse me?"

"Out of the car."

"Now you're a police officer."

"Just call me Barney Miller."

I get out of the car and fix him with a glare.

"What happened to your eye?"

"Now I'm in an interrogation room."

"That's right. Tell me what happened."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, that's just too bad."

"It's no big deal."

"Then you can tell me."

"No!" I snap.

"Then we'll move on to why you reek of cigarettes and I know you don't want to get into that. Now what the hell happened, Jess?"

_Come back in an hour and ask me when I have a good lie._

"It was a fight with Dean," he states. It's not a question.

_"What?"_

He shrugs. "It was a fight with Dean. That's why you won't tell me what happened."

I'm stunned, maybe even a little offended. I have a black eye and he has to assume I was in a fight with Dean. Am I that horrible? I have to think on my toes though. This may be less damaging than the truth, a blessing in disguise perhaps. I stare at my feet. "Yeah, it was a fight with Dean." I'm a little disappointed. I sort of hoped Luke would somehow magically guess the truth. Then I could come clean without having to confess.

_"Let me guess. You were walking around town late last night and about four drunk teenagers, two were members of the football team, came and beat you up?"_

"How'd it happen?" he asks, anger rising.

"Well, considering Rory and Dean broke up not too long ago and now she's with me-"

"You know what I mean, wise guy. How'd it happen?"

"It just happened."

"You mean Dean just randomly walked up to you and punched you in the eye?"

"I was walking past Doose's last night and Dean was leaving...He started bugging me. One thing led to another and soon we were fighting."

"Jess-"

" I know it was wrong."

"You _know it was wrong_?" Luke scoffs skeptically.

_Wrong answer, Jess. _"I got a few hits in. Rory's more important than that. So let's just forget it."

"Jess, being jealous of Dean is just going to drive Rory away."

"I am _not _jealous of Dean," I retort immediately.

"I really don't have time for that one. I've got work to do. We're not done here, Jess."

Luke starts to leave. I'm about to get back into my car when he turns around again. He stares at me for a moment, then sighs. "Are you ok?"

"What?"

"Are you ok? Did you get hurt too bad?"

"No...no I'm fine."

"Good," he says, and then heads back to the diner.

I climb back into my car and light another cigarette. I start to feel more relaxed, but a wave of regret washes over me suddenly. _Why_ did I have to take that walk last night? In fact, why didn't I just drive through town in my car? Going farther back, why do I always have to walk out on Luke? Why couldn't I just turn off the T.V. and be done with it?...But even father back than that! Why did I have to pester Brad and the others that day? I know they were drunk, but I've been causing them trouble since day one.

_The fight with Chuck Presby._

_"This is a diner not a dance floor. Quit crowding around."_

_"Do your parents hate the world so much that they gave birth to you to make everyone else suffer?"_

Enraged, I punch my car seat several times. This is all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. I did this. I cause these problems. I've created every enemy I have. Dean, Chuck, Brad, Luke in certain situations, even Lorelai. I actually tried to get along with Lorelai and I still couldn't do that right. I chuck my cigarette out the window and rest my head against the car seat. I close my eyes. I need to talk to Rory. I need to see her.

* * *

_Rory's POV_

"I'd love it if you'd print me a copy of the conversations that will be going on tonight," Lane jokes light-heartedly.

I sigh. "I'm actually kind of keeping my fingers crossed that tonight will go well."

"I'm sorry. You know I like to tease. I hope it goes well too."

"It's not that I don't trust Jess. It's just that..."

"You don't trust Jess."

"No, no. I do trust Jess hence me stating previously 'it's not that I don't trust Jess'. It's just that it's really hard for me. I mean my grandmother isn't going to make this any easier and-"

"I get it."

"I better go. My stop is next."

"Ok, don't forget we have a lot of catching up to do on our music listening."

"Bye, Lane."

I hang up the phone and lean my head against the window of the bus. I have a change of clothes in my school bag for when I get to my grandma's. My grandpa is out of town, which is luck's way of smiling on me. After seeing his reaction to Dean, I'd fear for Jess' life if they ever met. I'm taking the bus straight from school to my grandma's house and then Jess is going to drive me home. I'd love for him to hang around my house, just me and him. No guest appearances made by mom, no Luke running upstairs every so often.

There are feelings I have for Jess that were never there when I was with Dean. When I was with Dean I was happy and comfortable, and a part of me really did love him. But whenever I'm with Jess my heart still pounds and I stumble over words. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with Jess. I'm more comfortable with him than I was with Dean. We have more in common. It's that I still feel for him so much that I can barely contain myself. He's exciting and unpredictable and so smart and down to earth. I never knew I could feel this much. It's so different than Dean. I never knew I could feel this way.

The bus pulls to a stop and I take a deep, nervous breath.

"Hi, grandma," I greet her with a kiss.

"Rory, how wonderful to see you. I can't _wait _to meet him."

"I can't wait for you to meet him." I smile politely and we both take a seat.

"So what's he like?"

"Well," I begin thoughtfully, "he's...quiet."

"Quiet?" my grandmother says in that judmental voice she has.

"Is quiet bad?"

"Well, when I ask 'what's he like' and the first thing you can come up with is 'quiet' then, yes. That is bad. I mean there are a myriad of personality traits to pick from. Kind, considerate, funny, ambitious, intelligent, and of all those traits you pick 'quiet'."

"He is very smart," I add quickly.

She smiles. "Well, that's good."

"And you could say he's funny. If you have that kind of sense of humor." I want so badly to stick up for Jess. My grandma is not an easy person to impress.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well..."

"Forget it. I'm too rash. I'm sure he's lovely, Rory. You have nothing to be concerned about."

I smile in appreciation. "Thanks, grandma."

"Let's start at the very beginning."

"A very good place to start," I chime immediately.

My grandmother laughs. "Tell me about when you first met him."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Just as a little side note, Jess doesn't tell Rory he "got hit in the eye with a football" because everytime I watch that episode I still think it's stupid Rory believes that because 1: Jess hates sports and 2: When has Rory ever seen Jess "throwing a football with a buddy"? I think that part was just for comic relief anyway. Also in response to the issue with chapter four: I had posted the update but forgot to edit and add some other stuff I wanted in it so I removed it. That's why you all got that notification but there was no chapter. Sorry for the confusion. **

Disclaimer: Some of the dialogue is, obviously, directly from the episode _Swan Song. _I'm pretty sure that's not allowed but it felt stupid to paraphrase everything and even stupider to just leave this part out so please don't be mad.

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 5

_Jess' POV_

Fuck traffic. I hate fucking traffic. Of course I'm already a half an hour late. What a great first impression. Fuck traffic.

"Sorry I'm late," I say as Rory opens the door. By the look on her face I know that my less than subtle black eye will cause trouble. I still haven't invented a plausible anecdote for Rory since she'd freak if I told her I got into a fight with Dean. What do I say though? I fell down the stairs? I ran into a wall? Rory's not that stupid and I'm not that clumsy.

"Oh, that's alright. Come in. Come in. It's cold outside," her grandmother says. I have to admit I thought the first thing she'd do was attack me for that. Well, that's one land mine I somehow side stepped. I greet her grandmother with a handshake.

"What happened to your eye?" Rory asks.

"It's a long story. I don't want to bore you," I say, dropping it right away. Her grandmother asks me if my I'm ok, and I assure her I am. She goes into the dinning room and Rory interrogates me a little bit more in private.

"Were you in a fight?"

_Yes. _"Dinner's waiting."

"Jess, were you in a fight?"

_Yes. _"I told you it's a long story and I don't want to talk about it."

Once I sit down to eat we start off fine, but it's like skating on thin ice. Her grandmother babbles about this and that and I attempt to say a few things as well. I do my best to not be so unresponsive. It drives Luke crazy when I give him monosyllabic answers. I'm not sure if I'm coming off the wrong way but her grandmother seems to accept me. I even got her to laugh a little, but Rory cuts in shortly after. I start to feel really uncomfortable, and Rory starts to get on my nerves. I try and just drop the conversation again. Her grandma gets up to get salt and pepper, but I suspect she knows Rory wants to talk to me in private for a moment. Mercilielessly she leaves.

"What is your problem?" I say before she can start in.

"You're not telling me the truth! That's my problem," she cries in frustration.

"I don't want to get into it here."

"And it's obvious why!"

Suddenly, I put the clues together. She thinks I got into a fight with Dean. That makes me furious. "Oh, is it?" I snap.

"You got into a fight with Dean," she accuses.

What was I thinking when I agreed to come here? "Unbelievable."

We argue, about Dean again. It always goes back to fucking Dean. By the time her grandma comes back into the dinning room we're shooting deadly glares across the table. Rory stands up and actually tells her grandma she wants to speak to me in privacy for a moment. Her grandma offers to leave the room. Un-fucking-believable.

Rory pours on the accusations again. I thought her of all people didn't think the worst of me.

"I did not get into a fight with Dean!" I snap. My anger is rising quickly.

"Bull!"

I'm so mad now I could care less if I hurt her. I've dealt with enough and I decide I won't put myself through anymore. I tell her I'm leaving.

"Oh, great. So now I have to explain to my grandma why my boyfriend who showed up a half hour late with a black eye is walking out!"

I actually had to contain myself from shouting before I said, "Well, you like making up stories in your head so that should be easy for you." I say it so coldly I scare myself.

Rory, like a trail of guilt, is following me as I exit. She stays inside, but the guilt followed me outside the house and all the way home. I'll never be good enough for her. I'll never compare to Prince Dean. If he's so damn perfect why pick me? I contemplated this as I drove home.

Fucking traffic.

* * *

_Rory's POV_

I knew there was a chance this could go wrong, but it doesn't get much worse than this. How could he walk out on me? On my grandma? He was my ride home! I want so badly to believe there is good in Jess...There _is _good in Jess. Why can't he get it together? And Dean! He had to have gotten into a fight with Dean...right? He would've told me what had happened if it wasn't Dean. I'm going nuts over this. I only have one choice, to go straight to the source tomorrow.

* * *

_Jess' POV_

I come home late. Luke is sitting infront of the television, half asleep. I sit on my bed and mull things over. I've failed. Again. Now Rory hates me. Everyone assumes I got into a fight with Dean. That makes me madder than anything. Then again, I've given no reason to think otherwise. Who am I kidding?

What did Rory think would happen if she decides to constantly bring up my eye infront of her grandma? I'm furious just thinking about it. I'm torn between blaming myself, a practice I'm more than used to, and convincing myself that this dinner was a result of Rory's actions. Can something for once not be my fault? I'm willing to take the hit on getting myself the black eye in the first place, but can't things go my way just once?

I know I can't be the first one to talk. She'll call tomorrow and we can patch things up. Then something else will go wrong. I mean how can Rory hold down a relationship with someone who has more issues than Seventeen magezine? How can I patch things up tomorrow if I can't tell her the real story? If I don't figure out soon I'll be alone. Again.

I decide to sleep on it. I turn on some music and fall asleep to _The Ramones. _

_I'm eight years old. I cover my ears with my hands, unable to listen to it. Liz and him have been screaming at each other for over an hour now. The door to my room bursts open and he storms in._

_I'm seventeen. They've surrounded me. I fall to the ground and they beat me senselessly. _

_I'm eight again. Seventeen, eight, seventeen. Eightseventeeneightseventeen. The two visions flash back and forth so fast my head spins. _

I emerge upright in my bed, drenched in a cold sweat. The music's been turned off. I want to scream, so loud, but I don't dare wake Luke. I glance over to his sleeping form, and I'm mortified that I almost whimper like a puppy. I want to wake him up and confess the entire story to him. Someone has to know. I need comfort. I need secruity. I grab my pillow to muffle a scream.

I hug my legs to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. I order myself not to cry. I drill the message into my brain. I won't let weakness triumph over me. I have to keep the walls up. If I let the tears fall my mental control will collapse. I'll let all the pain rush into me once more.

I thought I left this all behind, but I can't seem to get away from disaster. It follows me, casting an evil shadow. It engulfs me just when I think I've past it. I was doing good for a while. I was happy. I had Luke and I had Rory. I was safe. I wasn't worrying about getting hurt. All of that is gone now. It's as if all the good things in life were like sand. I was holding it, holding it all safely in my hands. Then, as soon as it was there, it was gone. It fell right through my fingers and blew away. Nothing good can last I suppose.

On that final thought I bury my head into my hands, pulling at my hair, and let myself cry a flood of tears I've been holding back since last night. The walls I've built around my emotions, like a castle being protected, have just drowned under the moat.


	6. Chapter 6

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 6

_Jess' POV_

I let my body and mind rest over the weekend. I wasn't in the mood to do much anyway. I worked extra hours in the diner and at Wal-Mart, avoiding Rory in any way possible.

I tried to get Luke to let me stay home from school on Monday, but that was not even argueable. Then I comtemplated cutting school and working an extra shift at Wal-Mart. I've done that a few times recently, and if I cut school I won't have to deal with anyone asking me what happened...that is if Brad and his friends could even remember the story enough to tell it. They were drunk after all. I decide on cutting school and working the day away at Wal-Mart.

As I work all I can think about is what everyone is saying, how maybe they know all about it by now. When I think more logically though I realize they probably didn't tell anyone. You're only in trouble if you get caught after all.

On Tuesday I go to school. I have to keep my grades up or I can't stay at Luke's and if I can't stay at Luke's I have no place to go. Not too scary, huh?

Everything at school seems normal. No one bothers me. I'm thankfully left alone. At lunch I take my usaul seat in the back of the cafeteria and read my book.

"I guess you thought we forgot, Busboy," a voice from behind me hisses. Shivers run down my spine. I turn and see Brad. "We remember everything," he adds.

My lips suddenly grow dry. Why did I come to school again? Oh yeah, so that I don't flunk out and can continue living at Luke's. I suddenly reconsider being homeless. "Is that all?" I ask flatly. I show him I'm not afraid, at least not for my present state. It's not like he can do anything to me here.

"You wanna learn something valuable today?"

"Thrill me, Teach."

"We did the whole town a huge favor Thursday night."

"Did you buy a house that isn't walking distance from here?" I say, willing my voice not to tremble.

"No, I taught you a lesson."

"Yeah you did. Never talk to you, Sporto. My IQ will drop." It's too easy to attack his intelligence.

"Whatever, wise ass. I'm just trying to teach _you_ some _common sense_ while you babble."

"Then send me a phamphlet, Thomas Paine, and you won't have to listen to me. Or if you have trouble spelling you could always wear ear plugs while we talk."

"I just might have to talk with the guys about teaching you another lesson."

"Are you mentally capable of doing that?"

"Nice eye, Busboy," is all he says before leaving.

_I'll be fine. _I say to myself. _Now that my defenses are up I don't need to worry. _Then why do I have a sinking feeling in my stomach? I stare at Brad nervously. He's on line for a school lunch that is probably the equivalent of Mrs. Lovett's meat pie. I wonder if that was just an empty threat...or does Brad really want to hurt me again?

I come home from school and Luke doesn't say a word. We fought before I left for Rory's and are temporarily not on speaking terms until we cool off. Of course to keep up the subterfuge I had to act natural and argue with Luke when he reprimanded me for my "fight with Dean".

Rory has tried calling me about four times. I've successfully ignored her along with avoiding her in the diner. It kills me that I can't talk to her. I'm not on speaking terms with Luke and Rory. Always alone.

I can hardly look at my reflection in the mirror these days, a concept I struggled with in New York. I'm ashamed of myself and I hate who I am. It's hard for me to even apply my hair gel in the morning. I can only handle being hurt and kicked into the dust so many times. I feel so lost and I've given up. Let the world throw me away. If no one will save me then that's that because I can't save myself.

I go downstairs to work. The diner is relatively empty tonight so I bury my nose into my book until a customer comes. "Jess," I hear a voice say. I wince on the inside. The voice is painfully familiar.

"Hey," I say, putting the book down. Rory looks at it.

"How do you like it so far?"

"Not worth what I had to do to read it but otherwise pretty good," I say. I can't help it.

"I've called you numerous times. I've tried talking to you hear in the diner. I'm trying to make peace and you're so _stubborn _it's incredible!" Her voice is exceptionally loud. The few customers in the diner turn their heads and stare.

We both look at each other and mutually agree to continue this discussion in privacy. We step outside the diner.

"When are you going to grow up?" Rory snaps.

"I need to grow up? I think Friday night speaks for itself!"

"You are so infantile it's ridiculous! You come half an hour late. You have a black eye and you were rude to my grandma. You won't even tell me about that stupid eye!"

"It was _not _a fight with Dean!" I immediately cut in. "Don't start that shit, Rory, because I don't even want to hear it!"

"I know it wasn't Dean, but that doesn't mean-"

"Oh _really, _Rory? And how do you know that?"

"I asked Dean," she answers shamelessly. In fact she's happy to inform me of this.

"Well, I'm so glad you trust me," I sneer sardonically.

"I'm sorry, Jess. I am sorry you feel the whole world is out to get you, including me! That's not the case though. So when are you going to stop pitying yourself?"

"You're really something, you know that? You're a _spoiled brat _who always gets what you want. I wonder what it's like to be born into success. You're mad because I don't kiss your grandmother's ass or fix things around your house for free or build you a fucking car like Prince Charming did!" I shout.

"I am not a spoiled brat and I was not born into success!" she says defensively.

"Your parents both love you. Your grandparents are loaded. You have great friends and they love you. You go to Chilton. You're going to an Ivy League college next year. Do I need to keep going?" I don't want to though. I've just hurt her, badly. Her eyes are shinning now.

"You're full of it! I _earned _that! I got into Chilton because I worked hard at Stars Hollow High and now I'm working my ass off at Chilton. As a result I'm going to an Ivy League school! I don't sit around all day feeling sorry for myself. _That's _why I seem so lucky!

"If you actually did something with yourself maybe you wouldn't be flunking out! Maybe you'd actually go somewhere and do something!...And you shouldn't hate me because I have all that." She's on the verge of tears now. There's no trace of anger left in her. "You should be happy for me. Dea-" she cuts herself off, knowing it's wise not to go there. "You should support me and want me to be successful...That's all I've wanted for you." Rory suddenly can't control the tears that fall from her eyes. Somewhere in that monologue her anger turned to sadness. She turns around so I can't see her.

I hate that I did this to her. I hate that I hurt her like this. "Rory..." I begin but I have no idea what to say.

She looks at me helplessly with tear streaked eyes. "I'm leaving."

"Tell Dean I said 'hi'," I say curtly.

She looks at me, completely disgusted, and then leaves.

I make my way through the diner, ignoring everyone. Luke is behind the counter as I go upstairs. "Jess, you're supposed to be working tonight!" he exclaims as he follows me upstairs. So much for not being on speaking terms. He's angry though. He's fed up with me.

I swing the apartment door open carelessly and Luke follows me inside. "What's wrong?" he demands.

I roll my eyes. "For once, Luke, just for once can you leave me the hell alone?" I cry, outraged.

"Why can't you just fucking _talk,_ Jess? I'm trying to help!" Luke shouts abruptly. I jump. I've never heard Luke swear like that or yell at me this loudly.

"Because I don't have to! You're not my father!"

"Well, I'm the closest thing you've got to a parent! Let alone a father. You have your alcoholic mother to thank for that!"

"Don't you talk about Liz like that!" I cry defensively.

"I've known her longer than you have, kid! Besides how do you know I didn't pick it up from you?" He probably did. I insult Liz every damn time Luke brings her up.

"Well, maybe you're just fed up with her too! After all you always give her everything she wants! You've never once denied her a favor! You say you just do it to be the nice guy but she's got you wrapped around her finger! You let her walk all over you!"

He crosses his arms. "You're right, Jess. God knows I shoud've refused her at least once! Then maybe _you _wouldn't be living here!"

I laugh humorlessly. "As if I really wanted to be here! You think I like being in fucking _Stars Hollow_? I didn't have a choice, Luke! Remember? Liz sent me here. I didn't run away and come knocking on your front door begging for the pleasure of your hospitality!"

"Oh, don't give me that!" Luke shouts in frustration. "You must think I'm stupid! I know what went on in New York, the trouble you got into. You weren't living the high life before you moved here! If you wanted to leave so damn badly then you would've walk right out the door! You were barely gone two weeks before you asked me to come live here again just last year! So if you want to leave, Jess, be my guest! There's absolutely _nothing _stopping you!"

I don't know what to say because all the things he just said were true. I desperately search for a retort. "I HATE IT HERE!" I scream. "I hate living here and going to that lousy school and working in that lousy diner and seeing all these neighbors that hate me and belong in a freak show! But what I can't stand the most is living with _you. You_ drive me crazy! _You _won't leave me alone!"

"Then _leave,_ Jess! Go ahead and walk out of here! Catch the next bus to New York and tell your mom I said 'hi'. Go now! I'll pay for your damn trip!"

I swallow but say nothing.

Luke stares me down. "What's wrong, tough guy? You leaving or not? I could care less. The whole town will throw a party. "

I bite my lip, but still say nothing. I just scowl.

"I don't know what's happened to you recently and God knows I've tried to find out. But now here's your warning: you better get your act together soon, Jess, or I swear you'll regret it!" He storms down the stairs.

I don't know how it came to this. I lift several CDs, books, and other items from my dresser and thrust them in rage. They land on the other side of the room and the crash I hear is satisfying for some reason. The sound is so loud I bet some people downstairs heard it. I probably just broke half of those things. I sink to the floor, resting my head on my knees, and think about my life before everything came crashing down. When Rory and I could depend on each other and everything was perfect. When Luke was a figure of guidance and a person who accepted me. When I wasn't always angry and I could have a conversation without it breaking out into a fight. The closest thing I had to a normal life was fading away and it was so short that it was getting harder to remember it had really happened at all.


	7. Chapter 7

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 7

_Third person POV_

Luke knew he had to stop. He needed to stop obsessing over Jess' well-being. There was a difference between concern for your kid and just plain terror. Jess just seemed so defeated lately. It was like pulling teeth for Luke to get Jess to talk. He hardly spoke to anyone, he rarely used sarcasm anymore. When Jess wasn't sarcastic you _knew_ something was off.

Jess appeared to be trying to make himself as little and as invisible as possible. He hid himself behind a book when no one needed to be attended to at the diner. He stayed away from Luke and Rory at all times. Jess managed to detach himself from Luke and they lived in the same apartment! Luke was afraid that Jess would disappear at any given moment. Maybe Luke wasn't cut out for raising a teenager.

No, not maybe. He was _sure _that he wasn't. All those horrible things Luke said to his nephew played over and over again in his head like a bad broken record. Did he really tell his nephew the town would throw a party once he left? Did he really tell his nephew to take off and go back to his nutty sister? God, Jess sure did bring out the worst in Luke.

What scared Luke the most though was the way Jess said how much he hated it here. Luke knew Jess was angry. Jess was an angry kid, and he said things he didn't mean all the time. But those dark eyes looked so angered, so scarily sincere. The fight had broken him though. Now Jess hardly said a word to anyone. He just hid from the world and pushed through the days wordlessly. Luke had to assume Jess was upset over Rory and that this had nothing to do with his uncle who Jess had little respect for.

"I haven't seen Rory in a while," Luke said as he poured Lorelai her coffee. It seemed like an innocent conversation topic, but Luke was secretly trying to pick her brain for more information about Jess. Rory confides everything to Lorelai so maybe she knew more about Jess' new state.

Lorelai eyed Luke warily, making him realize he wasn't as sneaky as he thought. "It hasn't been that long."

"She used to come here everyday, twice a day sometimes. Now I don't see her at all. Is she in a fight with Jess?"

"Why would you assume that?" Lorelai said, not wanting to give any information away too quickly.

"Well, I certainly didn't get into a fight with her, and it's the only reason I could think of to explain her sudden absence."

"Are you sure she isn't avoiding you? I mean maybe your plaid shirts are starting to make her go blind."

"Lorelai, please! I'm dying here," Luke finally exclaimed.

"You're dying to know why Rory isn't at the diner anymore?"

"No! _Jess_, Lorelai! What's wrong with him? It's driving me crazy!"

"I don't know the whole story, only bits and pieces of it."

"Well, tell me those _bits and pieces! _Because guess what? I know nothing! I'm the clueless uncle."

"A title you've always owned," Lorelai joked.

"What is going on with him? Why isn't he talking to Rory? Why is he so out of it? Give me something, anything! Write it in code if you have to!"

"Luke, I don't know why Jess got that black eye if that's what you're wondering."

"I want to know what's going on with him and Rory. Did she dump him? Is that why he's so upset? I don't care about his eye. I already know all about it. He was in a fight with Dean."

At that moment Lorelai heard a record abruptly stopping in her head. She had not expected that. "Um, there was no fight with Dean."

"Come again?"

"Well, Rory said Jess wouldn't tell her about the black eye."

"Yeah, because it was a fight with Dean."

"No, it wasn't a fight with Dean," Lorelai said.

"This doesn't make any sense!" Luke cried desperately. "Jess told _me _he got that black eye in a fight with Dean!"

"Rory said Jess said he didn't get into a fight with Dean. She also said Jess said he wouldn't tell her how he got it. Then Rory said Dean said that there was no fight as well. She said both of them said there was no fight," Lorelai was thinking out loud more than explaining things to Luke. She was trying to make sense of an incoherent situation. Luke stared at her, clueless. "When I ramble I repeat words too often. You should know this by now," she said simply.

"So Rory told you Jess wasn't in a fight with Dean and Jess told me he was..." Luke said.

"One of them is obviously lying."

"But who?"

"Can your history with both of them give you your answer or should we have them take a lie dectector test?"

"Oh, yeah," Luke said, disheartened. "But why would Jess lie to me about where he got that black eye?"

"I don't know."

"How did Jess get it then?"

"I already told you! Jess wouldn't tell Rory where he got it."

"I guess we do need that lie detector," Luke said. Then he suddenly had a horrible epiphany. "Oh, Lorelai..."

"Are you ok?"

"If he couldn't even tell Rory what it was he must've done something awful."

"Like what?"

"I don't know like...smuggle drugs in from Mexico."

"Are you kidding, Luke?"

"It was the first thing I could think of! The point is I don't know what happened but if he is so set on making up sneaky lies and risking his relationship with Rory to keep it a secret then it must be awful!"

Lorelai looked at Luke sadly. He was so stressed out. She wished Jess wasn't so damn difficult all the time. Her curiosity was also making her nervous. _What could he have possibly done?_ "Don't jump to conclusions so quickly, ok? You'll get to the bottom of this."

"And if I don't?"

"Then I'll see you South of the border."

* * *

_Jess' POV_

I spend the entire morning working in the diner and thinking about the fight I had with Rory. I do my best not to, but there's nothing in the diner to take my mind off of it. So I just go through the motions as I picture Rory looking at me with tears in her eyes and a broken heart. It's even more painful when I look back on her disgusted expression after I had said "Tell Dean I said 'hi'".

I walk over to Lorelai to refill her coffee. "Thank you. How are you this morning, Jess?" she asks, a judgemental gleam in her eyes.

"I'm still breathing," I say. I hesistate for a moment. "How's Rory?" I know that is definately something I don't normally do, ask about the well-being of someone else I mean, but I have to know.

She's surprised I asked this. "She's ok." She doesn't know what else to say.

I bite my lip. "Good," I say awkwardly. I wish I hadn't asked.

"She's holding up, I mean," Lorelai retorts immediately. She thinks I don't feel guilty. If she only knew how off she really is.

"Whatever."

"There's not much she can do in a situation like this. She's a strong girl. She'll move on _very _quickly."

"How did you and Rory get so close?" I blurt. I really don't know what's wrong with me today. I needed to change the subject quickly, but I'd just walk away before I was to ask something like that normally.

"Huh?" She says, dumbfound.

"...You know, Rory. How'd you guys get so close? Is it because the age difference between you two is so much smaller than the age difference between others?"

She shoots me a silent warning. _That's the farthest you'll go on that matter. _

"I-" I begin, but shut my mouth right away. I meant to go on to tell her that no, I wasn't about to pester her about getting pregnant at sixteen, but I shied away from it. Who am I to insult someone's parenting skills with my parents even if I wanted to?

Lorelai says nothing for such a long time I think she will never talk and I beg Luke or a customer or the apocalypse to come and spare us from this painfully elongated silence.

"Why do you ask?" she finally says.

Because I want to know why some people are best friends with their children and others spend their lives ignoring them. Because why couldn't Liz take care of me the way Lorelai takes care of Rory? I never needed my mom to be my best friend. I just needed her to be there.

I shrug. "I just wanted to know," I mumble. "You don't have to say anything."

I spent my entire life believing that Liz's neglect was a result of my actions. I didn't know what I had done but I was so sure I had done _something _wrong. Now I'm second guessing things. Maybe it wasn't a six-year-old's fault that his mother used to drink like a sailor. If that's not it then what happened? I look at Liz and I look at Luke and I can't believe they're siblings. I need answers. I need closure. There had to be a reason why I struggled as a kid.

"Well," Lorelai says thoughtfully, "I was so scared to have Rory, but I knew I had no choice. I didn't think we'd be so close, but when they handed me my daughter the day she was born I knew I was holding my best friend." She isn't looking at me anymore. I can see she's remembering it all. "I hadn't realized half of me was missing, but Rory is my other half. My better half."

"Huh," I say. I can't think of anything else.

"Does that answer your question?" I can tell Lorelai suspects there is more meaning behind me asking her this.

"Whatever."

She rolls her eyes at my most common response. Then she looks at me, sadly. She almost shies away from the question, but she changes her mind at the last second. "Jess, what happened?"

What happened when? Last Friday? Is she asking why I got the black eye? Why I fought with Rory? Why I asked her that question? Her face tells me that she is more than likely digging into a more personal matter. What happened between Luke and I? What happened that prompted Liz to send me to Stars Hollow? What happened to me as a child?

"What do you mean?" I say, a subtle warning in my tone.

She withdraws immediately. As if someone just shocked her. "What happened to you and Rory?"

I sigh. I almost wish she had tried to dig deeper. "None of your business," I say, but the anger is absent.

"Rory's my daughter. Of course it's my damn business. Look, whatever happened between you and Rory, please fix it soon. I don't like eating breakfast alone and, more importantly, I hate seeing my daughter so upset because of you," Lorelai declares.

My tender moment with Lorelai disappears in an instant. I say nothing. I just glare at her and then leave.

"I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory," she calls after me in frustration. She's even a little hurt for Rory's sake.

I'm just so nefarious to her. "I've heard that one before," I grumble.

Reading is my saving grace. I know this sounds stupid, but reading a book has always been my shoulder to lean on. While normal people have their families, specifically their parents, to help them through tough times I had no choice but to find something else and I had to find it fast. I had no one to comfort me. I never had a parent to give me advice or a shoulder to cry on. Right when I learned how to read, not only did I find a passion for it, but I also realized it was easy to calm down while reading. When you read, you're not fighting with someone else. You're not thinking about all that has made you hurt. Books can't bring you down like people can. The characters temporarily become the focal point in your life and you can get away from the outside world that has damaged you.

Luke offered me the evening shift off today and I agreed to it. I only did it for him though. When he asked me if I wanted to I could tell it was another attempt to make ammends with me or some crap like that. I guess if he's trying to make peace with me I might as well make it as painless as possible.

It's been almost a week since I was jumped. My eye has healed. The wound in my mind hasn't though. I still can't get what happened out of my head. I play it over and over again on a daily basis. Why can't I just accept what happened? After living in Stars Hollow for a while and living somewhere other than New York for the first time I began to accept my childhood as just a hill in my life I had to climb over. If I can get over ten years worth of rotten luck why can't I get over this? Instead I let it ruin my life. I've fought with Luke countless times and my relationship with Rory is falling apart.

I toss my book aside and, loneliness overcoming common sense, pick up the phone. I dial a familiar number.

"Hello?"

"Liz?" I say weakly. "It's me."

"Hey, baby, how are you?" Liz exclaims. She sounds utterly shocked though. I must be having a really off day considering now and my previous conversation in the diner with Lorelai. I never call her. I regret doing it now. At least she's sober.

"Fine."

"Why'd you call?" She knows calling just to check up is out of my comfort zone.

"I'm asking myself the same thing," I mutter.

"What was that?"

"Never mind."

"How's Luke?"

I wince. "Whatever."

"That's good." Liz is the only person who would say that when the repsonse is "whatever" to that particular question.

She goes on to ramble about her new job and her boyfriend what's-his-name and I don't even listen. I just sit and wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone I won't fight with, someone who won't judge my every word, and someone who hasn't done too much damage to me in the past so that I can barely listen to them. Liz fits into the third category, and everyone else I know fits into one or more of them. I close my eyes and think about how guys like Brad and Liz's old boyfriends would probably get such a kick out of seeing me this screwed up. God that makes me mad.

I hang up the phone with a bitter goodbye. I pick up the book again and there is an interuption immediately after.

Luke emerges into the apartment and looks straight at me. "Jess?" he says. It's a question. As if to say _Do I have permission to talk to you about your pathetic life today?_

"Nope, Santa Clause," I say sarcastcially.

"We need to talk."

I roll my eyes in exasperation. What would I give to go through a day without hearing those words? I'm trying to remember the last time my day was "we need to talk" free. "What?"

Luke inhaled, forcing himself to stay calm. "Listen Jess, I know it wasn't a fight with Dean."

"Huh?"

"I know that's not why you got that black eye."

I look at him, startled. I thought he had forgotten all about my stupid eye. I guess that's wishful thinking. I don't know what to say so I start to read my book again. I see out of the corner of my eye that Luke's fingers are itching to snatch the book right out of my hand.

"Why would you lie to me?"

"I didn't."

"I know for a fact you did. You lied then and you lied just now."

"How would you know?"

"Because I talked to Lorelai today. She told me Rory asked Dean if you two fought and he denied it."

"Whatever."

"Why would you lie to me?"

"Doesn't matter."

"It matters to me!"

"Why?"

"I need to know that you're not robbing banks or joining a gang or...associating with foreigners."

_Gangs and foreigners in Stars Hollow?_ "Huh?"

"Jess, just tell me how you got the eye."

"Can't," I say, shaking my head.

"Why not?"

_Because I don't know how to talk. Because I'm ashamed. _"Don't want to."

"Do you cut off your pronouns on purpose so that your sentences are shorter?"

"Go away!" I finally snap.

"Well, at least I have an emotion from you now...Look Jess, I just want to help."

"Please, don't get all sentimental."

"If you tell me what happened. I promise I won't get mad. Does that make it any easier?"

I don't answer.

"Jess, you can trust me. You can tell me anything. I just want what's best for you."

I look away from him. "I know," I mutter. I squirm a little bit.

"Then tell me what happened and I'll do whatever I can to fix it."

I weigh my options. I could just walk away right now. Then I won't have to go through telling the miserable details of what happened that night, but walking out of the apartment got me into this mess. I look at Luke and I see his sincerity. All this time I just wanted someone I could talk to. Would it really be so awful if I told him? It's not like it'd be worse than where I'm at now...unless all it does is make me even more ashamed of myself. _Make up your mind! _I scold myself. I keep my eyes trained onto the floor.

I still haven't reached a conclusion, but the words just seem to roll of my tongue "I ran into some guys at school whom I don't really get along with." I surprised myself. I didn't think I'd actually be able to get those words out. I guess I wanted it this way all along. I whispered it so quietly though that I'm surprised Luke could hear it.

I look up at Luke quickly and then avert my gaze back to the floor. Luke looks as if he's trying to cross a shaking bridge. You want to just run the entire way and get your answers immediately, but if you push too hard it might collapse. He's afraid that if he pushes me too hard I may withdraw. I draw a quivering breath and continue. "They were drunk and..." I still can't look at Luke. My heart rate increases a little.

"Jess, did they hurt you?" Luke asks me nervously.

Finally, I look at him. "...Yeah."

**A/N: Sorry the end of this chapter is a little dramatic in a cheesy sort of way. So I'm looking at about three more chapters. Please take the time to review this! The reviews mean so much to me. Also sorry if you came to this story looking for a lot of literati. It was supposed to be a strong balance of both, but I see it did slowly drift to a Jess/Luke story. I _love _literati but this did seem to take a different direction.**

**-paperfl0wers**


	8. Chapter 8

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 8

_Jess' POV_

When spilling the beans to Luke, I went completely numb as a defense mechanism. I was there physically, but my mind was somehwere else. I have trust issues to begin with. I can't help but feel like everyone will let me down in the end. I want to think differently, but so far life hasn't given me reason to. I couldn't help but feel like I was repeating past mistakes by opening up to Luke. You're not supposed to repeat mistakes. That's supposedly why we learn about history in school.

"How'd they hurt you?" Luke asks right away.

I ignore the sudden mental picture I get that reflects the evening this whole mess began. "I'll tell you, but you can't get mad. Don't scream or yell or-"

"Ok, Jess, I won't get mad," Luke promises anxiously.

"And most of all, _don't _try to do anything about it. It'd be best if after I tell you everything if you would just forget it ever happened-"

"Jesus I hope the actual story isn't as long as this."

"It'd be shorter if you'd stop interrupting me," I mutter under my breath but Luke hears it anyway.

I quietly proceed to tell him the entire story. I try and remain indifferent but by the end of it I can't really contain my emotions. My body and my voice are both shaking.

Luke acts as I always knew he would. He just nods along to all of it. I see his face contort in anger every so often, but he reins his emotions back in for my sake. When I finish the story I stare at my feet, unable to meet his gaze. He says nothing and after a minute I grow impatient and look at him. I can see Luke is searching for the right words to say, and is frustrated that he hasn't found any. I don't care though. I just needed to get this out in the open. It's better if Luke says nothing. I almost want to say, _"Don't worry about saying anything. You're doing just fine."_

I sigh wearily, exhausted emotionally now. Luke sees this and takes a seat next to me. I shift uncomfortably. He then carefully drapes his arm around my shoulders. I shake my head, rejecting him this way since I can't seem to find any words to say, but he ignores me. I decide to give up the fight. I lean my head against his shoulder and neither of us say a word. Nothing needs to be said. _A shoulder to lean on. _I close my eyes and for once let my guard down.

After a few minutes of silence, I awkwardly lift my head. I don't look at Luke. He gives my shoulder a squeeze before removing his arm from it.

"I just want you to know, Jess," Luke begins, "that I think you're really strong and I admire that." I look at Luke, bewildered. He reads my expression like a book. "It just must have been really tough to go through that and, even though you've been upset lately, you're showing a lot of strength to be able to go through this right now."

_He's clueless. _I think to myself. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to breakdown and tell him everything that has happened to me. It'd be pointless though. Luke may be a comforting figure but he's never going to fix my childhood. He's not a miracle worker.

Strength? I have no strength. If Luke took a good look inside my head for just one day, he'd see how weak I really am. "I'm not that strong," I say softly.

"Of course you are."

Who is this fucking optimistic? It's like a Disney character threw up inside his mouth. "Damn it, Luke! How the heck would you know that?" I finally snap. "I threw up," I confess furiously. I wrap my arms around myself, wanting to disappear.

Luke just stares at me, completely puzzled. "Who cares?"

"_I _do! I threw up and I've dreamt about that night multiple times. You want to know something else?" Now that I've started I can't seem to stop. "A strong person would just walk away. A strong person would move on and forget about those jerks. I want those guys to pay! I want revenge. I want them crawling on their knees, suffering, and begging me for forgiveness! But I can't because they're _stronger _than me!"

Tears of rage prick my eyes and I brush them away before Luke can see it. I glance up at my uncle to see if he is disgusted with me. He's not. "You never fucking give up on me, Luke," I smiled bitterly as I said it. It's a reassuring, but at the same time, strangely frusturating thought.

"Jess, those are natural feelings. You have a right to be angry. You want revenge? Fine. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. I'd be concerned if you _weren't _mad."

I bite my lower lip, willing it not to tremble. "Is it normal that I dwell on what happened every second of every day? Is it normal that I can't get the scene out of my head? I spend all day thinking of what I could've done to prevent it. I waste all my time wondering why I didn't try harder to fight back or why I didn't just take my car out instead of walking. The whole thing is hanging over my head and I can't get away from it!"

Luke furrows his brow nervously. _Gotcha'. _I know he's concerned now! Of course he's concerned... Why do I get satisfaction that Luke is now concerned with my mental state?

"I didn't realize you were so..."

"Disfunctional?" I fill in for him.

"No..." He searches for the right words. "I'm not sure why you're assuming that this has to be a weight you're going to carry on your shoulders."

I shrug. He knows there's more to it, but I've had enough confessions for one day. I'm afraid that if I tell him about how this links back to Liz and her boyfriends he won't be able to contain himself for that. I don't want to see Luke go on an angry rampage. Also when you keep something buried in the back of your mind it's not going to be easy to just let it all out.

"You know this will pass, right? This will all blow over before you know it."

"Yeah, I know...Thanks," I add, muttering. I haven't felt this secure in forever.

"No problem. You ok?"

"I guess."

"What're you thinking about?"

I don't really know what I'm thinking. I don't know how I should feel. Ideally Luke could wave a magic wand, like any Disney character would, and make this all better. Should I still be upset? Is this confession going to make it all better like I hoped it would?

"I don't know."

"You know this isn't your fault, right Jess?"

"This isn't _Good Will Hunting, _Luke. I get it."

He actually chuckles at that. "You can tell me anything you know."

I roll my eyes, feeling uncomfortable.

"Is that so hard to hear?"

"I never told Liz anything," I say. I never did. Liz never helped. She always said the same things to any problem I had. _This will all blow over. Just let it go, baby. _Or a more detailed response and the one I hated the most, _"He's giving mommy what he needs, Jess. I can't leave him. I love him. He's given me too much already."_

There was only one time Liz ever acknowledged her boyfriend's and their abusive ways. It wasn't just toward me. They'd hurt her too. She never did anything about it though, not even when I asked her to. She only helped me once. I was six or seven. Liz was dating this guy named Judd, a really twisted fuck who liked to play mind games.

He told me to make him scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, or he'd hurt me. He didn't need to be drunk to do this. He was insane already.

It was early on a Saturday and he had awakened me, practically dragging me out of bed by the roots of my hair. I'd rather have Bill Sykes wake me up. I stepped into the kitchen, dazed and sleepy still. I remember just wanting to hide back under my blankets and read a book.

When I woke up more, the reality of my situation hit me. I could barely reach the cabinets,had no idea how to cook at this age,and we hardly ever had food in that shit apartment anyway. I remember seeing a withered plant in the window and stupidly thinking of trying to feed him that. Looking back on it I wish I could've grown an Audrey II and have it eat Judd. The poor plant deserved to eat Judd more than he deserved to eat the plant.

As I grew older I was more pragmatic but the only thing I could think of to do then was sit in the corner and cry my eyes out. I knew I had to think of something fast if I wanted to avoid a beating, but I had no clue what to do.

Liz must've heard my pathetic sobbing (a practice she is no stranger to) because she came into the kitchen and saw me huddled in the corner. I looked at her through teary eyes. She said nothing. She just smoothed my messy hair away from my forehead and kissed me. Then she went over to the oven and began to cook. I stared at her in complete adoration. Liz was still "mommy" back then.

I went over to her and looked up. It was a silent "what can I do?". I was quiet even at that age.

"Go see if we have butter and jelly in the fridge, Jess," she said.

I obeyed. We had butter, but no jelly. I settled the butter on the table and helped "mommy" spread it onto the toast. So Judd got his breakfast and I got my mom back for a day. I have no idea what provoked Liz to help me that day, but I spent the remainder of it following her around the house, ignoring the nasty comments Judd made.

The next day "mommy" was Liz again. She ignored me, didn't bring up the morning before, and didn't bother to ever stop Judd from hurting me again. I still don't understand why that one day made Liz feel like she should be helpful, but it did. The only theory I have is that was an easy task for her to help me with. Anything too difficult or that would be bad for her she'd never do...Yeah that had to be it.

"You can tell me everything. I won't get mad. I promise," Luke repeats.

"Ok," I say quietly.

"Are you hungry?" he asks.

I haven't really eaten much today but my appetite has been off lately. "A little."

"I'll make us something," he says, getting up.

I stare at my book, wondering if I should bury myself back into literature. It's gotten harder to do these days. Books always remind me of Rory.

"Talk to her, Jess," Luke suddenly says, as if reading my mind. Again.

_Rory. _I don't deserve her. She needs perfection. She needs someone who is going to buy her flowers, shower her in jewelry, and treat her like a princess. The only thing compatible with perfection is perfection. That's certainly not me. Dean? Maybe, maybe not.

"What if she doesn't forgive me?" I ask stupidly.

"There's only one way to find out," Luke says with a shrug.

I wish I could say more to Luke. I want to give him a genuine thank you, instead of the pathetic one I mumbled earlier. I want to tell him that one of these days I'm going to find a way to pay him back for everything. I know I'll never be able to say those things though. Something always seems to hold me back. In fact if Luke ever asked me for all those things, I'd probably roll my eyes and say something sarcastic in repsonse.

However, I never thought I could tell him all this. I feel a trace of a smile crawl onto my lips. I guess it's a step-by-step process. Maybe if I'm lucky I've just completed the first step.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry about the delayed update but, alas, all is good. Once again, some of the lines in this chapter are taken directly from _Swan Song. _Please don't sue me. **

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 9

_Jess' POV_

"Not true," I say to Luke.

"Not true? Of course it's true!"

"I refuse to believe that."

"She's very pragmatic."

_"Pragmatic?"_

"That means-"

"I know what it means! I just don't believe it."

"Ask her yourself."

"Liz, homecoming queen? Really?"

Luke laughed. "She had to pull a few strings."

"Who'd she sleep with?"

"I wouldn't want to know."

"Ok, maybe it's true," I say skeptically.

"What would be the point of making something like that up?"

"Fine, I believe you. Liz is not pragmatic though...she's too much of a junkie."

We both say nothing. The joking is suddenly cut short. Finally, Luke says, "Yeah well, that's why you're here, Jess."

"I thought I moved here because Liz forced me to," I say dryly.

"She wouldn't have sent you here if she had enough control over herself."

"I guess that had something to do with it," I say. Then I change the topic quickly. The unspoken message is that I didn't, couldn't, stop her. I should've, but I didn't.

"I better get to school," I say, throwing on my jacket. Luke nods and I leave.

"Make...wise decisions!" he calls after me. I smirk. Luke can't just stick with the classic 'stay out of trouble' can he?

It's Thursday, exactly one week since it happened. When I look back on how I felt then and how I feel now it amazes me. I felt so lonely then. Something happened between Luke and I though. He doesn't seem so distant now. I'm not a sentimental person, and neither is he, but there's something there that wasn't there before. The fact that we had a conversation this morning _that _didn't end in an arguement, Luke yelling, or me walking out proves it. When you think about it like that it's pretty pathetic, but it works for me.

Rory is the thorn sticking in my side. I can't stand being away from her this long. I miss her. Everything is off, out of place. I'm determined to make amends with her, that is if she's even willing to. Until then the guilt will hang over me. Luke may be my guiding eye, but Rory is still the girl I yearn to be with. She's the only kid in town who gave a damn about me, and now she's the only girl I've ever truly cared for.

The clock is laughing at me. I'm waiting in the edge of my seat for the bell to ring. Then I'll race home, work in the diner, and figure out a way to talk to Rory. I don't have a real plan, but when do I ever? I don't even know if I should confront her about it or if I should call her. Is it too lame to go to her front door and maybe less desperate to call? Or is it too cowardly to call and more personable to go see her? I have no idea.

When the bell rang I raced out as fast as I could. I always leave as quickly and unnoticeably as possible. I used to do this because I hate school. Now I still hate it here, but obviously I have other reasons.

"Jess, may I have a word with you?" my science teacher asks.

I roll my eyes and walk over to her desk. I wish I had seen this coming. If only I'd moved just a little bit faster. I was so close to the fucking door.

"What is it?" I ask. She glares sharply at me. I honestly wasn't trying to be disrespectful this time around. I guess she has preconceived notions about me. I mean I've hardly spoken to her, I mostly just sit in the back of her class, so she hasn't really gotten any rudeness from me. Oh well.

"Does this speak for itself?" she asks, dangling my test paper from two fingers as if it was too dirty to fully grasp.

"Papers can't talk, mam," I say. _That _was intentional.

"I really don't want to have to write you up. I hear you've spent more than enough time in detention," she says, irritated. "Let me make this clear. You're failing my class, miserably."

"Bummer," I retort.

Then something really weird happened. I actually felt concerned by her warning, which is weird because I already know I am failing. Then it hits me. _Luke. _Shit, he's starting to rub off on me. I don't care about school, but I really don't want to get thrown out. That's always a fear for me. I don't think I just have to worry about school though. Luke can throw me out whenever he wants. Where will I go if that happends? I see a terrible image of me sleeping on a park bench in the middle of nowhere.

_No, _I reassure myself. _Luke wouldn't do that. He trusts me now. We get along. He doesn't hate me._

"I'm sure you understand the seriousness of this matter," she says, almost sarcastically.

"Of course," I say, thinking of Luke and without a trace of sarcasm. She still glares at me. I think if I gave her a winning lottery ticket she'd be glaring at me all the way to the bank.

"I could set you up with a peer tutor, though I doubt you care enough to get one."

"You mean you want me to pay a peer with no educational experience to attempt to teach me just because they get high grades?" I ask with false enthusiasm.

"Or you could fail the year," she says sharply. "Perhaps I should contact your guardian?"

I scoff_. What am I, four? _

"Jess, I don't want to have to fail you."

I look at the clock. I just want to go home. "Ok, I'll figure something out."

"I hope you do."

"Whatever," I say, leaving.

I start to leave and, of course, I run into Brad and Rick. Brad is grinning, as if he has just trapped me. Rick looks a little nervous though. He's pitying me! He feels guilty about what happened last week. That's even worse. I continue to walk by them.

"Where are you going, Jess?" Brad asks.

"Home," I answer in the simplest terms.

Brad walks over to me and stands directly infront of me. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure," I say.

"Nothing to say about last week?" Rick says, though not as curtly as Brad.

"Nope."

"Nothing to say now?"

I pretend to think it through thoroughly. "Gimme three steps, mister?"

Their faces contort in confusion. I guess they don't get it.

"I got to go," I mutter, and leave without looking at them. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I think what upset me the most actually was Rick's regret.

The past ten minutes were a reminder that everything is not fixed. I have to fix this all myself. Luke can't fix everything, despite the fact that he wants to.

That evening I'm wiping down a table in the diner when I see Rory walking by with enough food to feed the . I race outside. I don't know what to say, but it's now or never.

"Rory," I say quickly.

"Hey," she says uncomfortably.

"I've been meaning to talk to you. I've had an off week," I say.

"Oh, ok." She stares at me, beautiful and victimized. Her eyes are an ocean of sorrow and they say it all. _You hurt me. You hurt me so badly. _I'm such a dick.

I shove my hands into my pocket. "That was a bad night," I say.

"I second that," she says dryly. She crosses her arms and tucks a strand of hair behind her ears. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you about Dean."

I shrug. "I gave you no reason to.""

"And I'm sorry I talked to Dean about it." I just shrug again. "I should learn to trust you more, Jess." I can see that she's hoping that I will mention all those terrible things I said to her.

Here goes nothing. "I'm sorry about all those things I said to you. I didn't mean it. You're not a spoiled brat."

She nods again, still hurt I can tell. "It's ok."

"Looking back on it I sounded like a four-year-old," I say , remembering how I felt like one after my teacher threatened to call Luke.

"You were just mad. It's ok."

"This black eye screwed everything up," I say, but I'm not really thinking that. All I can think is that _Dean _was the one who screwed everything up. He always is. Even now when he's gone and Rory is with me, he's still there like a puppet master pulling on our strings to suit his will.

"Yeah."

"Next time I go to your grandmother's I'll try not to have one."

"Next time?" she asks, smiling with delight.

"Next time," I say.

Then I'm kissing Rory and everything is perfect. I missed the sweet taste of her lips. If the world came crashing down at that moment that'd be fine with me.

"So what happened?" she asks.

I try to kiss her again. "Don't ruin the moment."

"No come on! If it wasn't Dean you can say."

"Will that make you happy?" I'm not so sure I can tell her.

"Yes, very."

Fuck it. "Ok, I'll tell you the truth since we're both so into the truth tonight. That's what good relationships are about, right?"

"Right."

"But you got to promise not to mock me. Ever. And please, don't tell anyone else."

"Promise."

"I got into a fight, but not with Dean."

She looks at me, bewildered. "Who?"

I can't tell her the whole truth. I'm not afraid of her mocking me or telling someone. I'm just too ashamed to tell her the truth. "Just some jerks from the football team at school. It's no big deal."

"You poor thing," she says in a "baby like" manner.

"Yeah," I say.

"But that's not embarrassing."

"What?"

"You kept that from me this whole time, and it really wasn't all that big of a deal."

"Yeah, now that you mention it, it's not." I get away from the topic as quickly as possible and take her in my arms again. We kiss. Ok, so maybe I wasn't totally honest, but I could never admit weakness to her. It's all I can do to avoid her reading my eyes when I lie.

I brush the thought away and focus on how happy I am to be holding Rory again. That distant, other worldly, life that I thought was gone forever has returned. I make myself promise to never let my life fall through the cracks again, though that doesn't eliminate my constant fear that it'll turn out that way again.

I put my arms around Rory's slim waist. She rakes her fingers through my hair, smiling at me affectionately when she feels it is stiff from my gell. She finds it endearing. Who would've thought? All I ever want is to simply be with Rory and talk about books and watch movies and exchange CDs.

I hear her sigh. I can't tell if it's with contentment or sadness. I think it's a little of both because then she says, "I have to go," and lifts her head away.

"Don't go," I mutter, pulling her waist even closer and pressing my forehead against her's. I selfishly want her to stay and make me happy.

"I don't want to," she says.

"Then don't. Let's go somewhere."

"I've got takeout."

"I'll reimburse you."

"My mom's waiting." Of course she is. "Oh, and here's this." She hands me _Tommy. _

Rory gives me one last kiss. I saviored it, even if it was only for a second.

"Keep thinking what you're thinking," she says.

"I don't have a choice." When do I ever with her?

She reaches down to pick up a bag and I grab another one for her. I smile in satisfaction. Then she's off and I go inside to work for the remainder of the evening.

**A/N: Next chapter will be the last chapter. Please review!**

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	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This chapter is very short. Sorry that I did that for the last chapter, but all that needs to be said has been said. I just wanted to give you all some form of a conclusion. So here it is. **

A New Song to Sing

Chapter 10

A conclusion of epic proportions where I tell you of my trials and triumphs, the lessons I've learned, and the friends I made? Not really, but things got a lot easier. Rory and I are, well, Rory and I. And Luke is...Luke. Flannel. Ok, so I suck at this, but I've never been one for sentimentality.

Life in Stars Hollow is getting a little more...bearable? I guess the town has now accepted me as just the rebel who won't change, and they don't seem to care about that anymore. I wonder if they have a plan to bring tar and feathers into the situation. I know Luke always sticks up for me but that might be where he'd draw the line.

I haven't spoken to Liz in a while and that's a relief. Not because she drives me crazy, which she does, but because last time I spoke with her I was so vulnerable and defenseless. I'm not stupid and I'm very aware of the fact that Liz is so airy she's probably forgotten all about the conversation and/or did not pick up on my weakened state. That being said I'll still be reminded of that day and how everything was wrong the next time I speak to her.

I walk home that evening with my hands driven into my pockets as I fumble around for a cigarette. Rory and I have just spent the last five hours making a list of movies that either I've seen seen but she hasn't or vice versa and watching them all. As if our movie knowledge needed any improvement. It was fun though. Lorelai had been out for the night. Where she got the courage to leave Rory and me alone, I still have no idea. That's the eighth wonder of the world for sure. She did get home early though and I was forced to have an awkward conversation with her before I left.

I begin to think of what's going to happen after high school. If I manage to graduate I have no where to go. If I don't graduate I _really _have no where to go. I'm at a dead end rode here. I wish there was some sort of sign that would tell me what I'm supposed to do. Move out of Luke's? Go back to Liz? Hopefully not the second one. I need a sign. _Jess Mariano: here's what you're supposed to do with your life. _

I spend the remainder of the night working in the diner. It feels right following a steady schedule for once in my life. My surroundings suddenly became comforting, familiar. It's a comfort to work in the diner, to see all these crazy people, including the Gilmores, drop by for a cup of coffee, to see Luke running around in a frenzy on a busy day.

"Jess?" Luke asks me once we go upstairs. "Have you spoken to your mother recently?"

"No, why?" I ask, rather than telling him about the conversation I'd had with her.

"Well, I just think you should be careful, you know?"

"Careful with..." I gesture with a hand for him to complete that.

"Careful with her."

"So you're saying not to talk to Liz?"

"Actually, no. I'm saying you_ should_ make sure you keep talking to her."

"I'm confused."

"If you don't talk to her she'll think that you don't want to talk to her."

"But I don't want to talk to her."

"I know you don't, but she wants to talk to you."

"Well, that's too bad for her."

"Just shut up and listen. If you cut off contact with her she'll push contact. She'll start calling and asking for visits and she may even-"

"I get it," I say. Liz'll request I come back to live with her.

"And if you call her every once in a while, you know sticking to the status quo, then she won't feel pressured to force contact. Ok?"

"Ok. Can I ask you something now?"

"Uh, sure."

"Why do you care about any of this?"

"I don't," Luke says right away. "I just thought you could use the advice."

"What a shame, Luke. Being a mentor sure was your calling."

"Everyday I think about what could've been," Luke mutters.

It wasn't until later that night that ignorant me realized that was Luke's indirect way of saying _I want to keep you around here for a little while longer so why don't you not be a complete idiot and make sure you don't screw things up with your mother? _How touching, or at least as touching as Luke would ever get.

And so even though I know it's only a matter of time before I screw things up again, at least I can be sure there will always be someone to fall back on.

**A/N: So that's it. Again sorry for the short length, but I just wanted to tie together some loose ends. Anyway thanks to everyone who took the time to review/favorite this story. I don't know if you've looked at my profile, but if you did you'll notice I have issues finishing stories so this is kind of a big deal for me. Please don't leave me hanging on the last chapter and leave one last review!**

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